Appropriometer™: get yours today!
Fellow humans, are you tired of wondering whether or not to pull out your nail clippers on the subway, or whether others will object if you floss your teeth on the bus? Are your nerves worn to a nub from silently debating whether or not it’s OK to wear pyjama bottoms to the board meeting? Can’t tell whether your joke about anal sex went over badly with the boss?
Well, Dr Smiter has just the thing for you: Introducing the Appropriometer™. It rhymes with “thermometer” and is the one-size-fits-all, perfect-for-every-occasion, handy-dandy personal etiquette device the world has been waiting for.
Ideal for children and adults alike, the Appropriometer™ fits in purse, pocket or knapsack and is ready at the touch of a button to help users in all instances where correct behaviour, manners or good taste are in question.
Programmed to cover a multitude of situations, the Appropriometer™ is calibrated to provide quick, easy-to-understand answers in almost any instance – from home, social engagements, dating, commuting and shopping to office attire and etiquette, formal dining, travel and business entertaining.
Our patented voice recognition software makes using Appropriometer™ even easier. Simply ask “Should I bring fresh flowers to my friend’s dinner party, plus a nice bottle of wine?” for example, and the Appropriometer™ will display an enthusiastic “yes” in its green, or “very appropriate,” zone. Oops – your host has hay fever and is a recovering alcoholic! No worries: Appropriometer™ will flash orange and even suggest an alternative, like sparkling fruit juice and a nice family pack of Claritin!
And say that little Zachary has just learned where babies come from and Grandma’s coming for dinner. Put down the duct tape and don’t despair. Simply have your precious creative bundle ask the Appropriometer™ whether it’s OK to prattle to Grandma about penises and afterbirths, and the display will flash a definitive Red. “No no, Zachary. Not appropriate!”
Still worried? You should be, since kids will be kids. Ha ha. Even the Appropriometer™ can’t help you with that one. Just to be on the safe, and truly appropriate side, send Zachary to have dinner with the McDuffys down the street instead just in case. Unless Mr McDuffy’s parole still stipulates that he can’t be within 500 metres of a child under 18, in which case Zack dines with you and you just take the batteries out of Grandma’s hearing aid.
Appropriometer™ comes in a wide array of colours and styles, including Ironic Hipster Black (includes “vote John McCain” sticker on the side), Redneck Red, Michigan Militia Camo, Martha Stewart Perfect Pink, and a selection of cuddly animal motifs for the younger set. (Note: Tiger Woods motif has been discontinued.)
Titanium casing makes Appropriometer™ virtually indestructible even when thrown against stationary objects in a fit of pique. (Note: Appropriometer™ will flash “red” and intone “bad, bad, bad” in this case until user apologizes and sends floral arrangement.)
So say goodbye to that burning urge to discuss your intestinal gas at the office! Sayonara to that Pepto Bismol pink business suit with the matching dyed snakeskin boots! Toodle-oo to the kid who says “get a life, dad!” and eats the last Pizza Pocket, to that guy with the hair plugs who makes the finger-guns and goes “heeeeeeeey!,” to the woman picking her nose in the produce department, and the loudly arguing young couple dragging a screaming toddler into the sushi bistro at 7 on a Friday night.
Peace, order and good manners can be yours – say hello to Appropriometer™. Order yours today.
Call 1-800-SMITE-ME. Operators are standing politely by.