Vampire Eye 101

It’s Day Four of my affliction with “Vampire Eye.” And since it’s going to be here for another week or so, according to the ophthalmologist, I thought I’d provide some helpful answers to the tactful questions you’ve all been dying to ask.

Q. Ewwwwwwwwww…..gross…what’s wrong with your eye?!

A. I blew out a blood vessel.

(A2. Second variant of answer, suitable for scaring health club owners & bosses: “OMG…my eye! My eye!!!!!!!!!! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”)

Q. OMG… how did you do that?

A. Running with scissors. .. No, boxing. … No, [insert tactless wifebeater remark here].

 …No, really… these things are caused by sudden pressure, like coughing, barfing, straining or lifting something heavy. I’d love to say it was a Ferocious Weightlifting Injury but no: basically, I coughed so hard from asthma that I barfed. Double whammy. And now I look like Count Dracula. Some people have all the luck!

One... icky... eye!

Q. Is there a medical name for that?

A. Yup. The medical name is “Conjunctival Hemorrhage”, which is a fancy-schmancy term for a bleed under the “conjunctiva,” the clear skin that covers the eyeball. You’ve probably heard of “conjunctivitis,” which is pinkeye. Had that too. It’s been a great year!

Q. Is your eye bleeding?

A. No, not exactly. Essentially I have a bruise on the surface of my eye, and the blood is trapped between the eyeball & the conjunctiva. But because the conjunctiva is transparent, you can see the colour of the blood clearly through it. On any other part of the body, a bruise is bluish because your skin pigment filters the red colour somewhat.

Q. Does it hurt?

A. Nope. The only thing that hurts is being as shy as I am and being stared at. 😦

Q. Do you cry blood now?

A. Negative. Only religious statues and the Coast Horned Lizard do that. Actually, it would be cool to be a Coast Horned Lizard: annoy me and your laundry pays the consequences.

Not me. Not even close.

Q. Are you going to go blind?

A. Not from this. 😉

Q. Why does it keep getting bigger?

A. That’s what she said.

(Sorry… getting a little punchy here after four days of this…. Ahem. It will spread a bit more because of gravity – picture paint dripping down the sides of a baseball. And then, god willing, it will stop and begin to recede.)

Q. Is there anything you can do for it?

A. Nope. Just have to wait it out. The only thing I’m not allowed to do is take Aspirin or Advil, which are blood thinners. I can go to the gym (and gross out all the instructors, staff & other students), work (dang), read, drive, everything. Friends have suggested an eye patch and a parrot (LIKE), and my most excellent friend Janet said to stick a green contact lens in it and say it’s for Christmas. (DOUBLE LIKE and a nice vegan candy cane for you!)

Q. Can you wear sunglasses or something?

A. Do I look like Corey Hart to you?

Q. How long are you going to look like that?

A. How long are YOU going to look like THAT?

(Real answer: about another week. About as long as a regular bruise takes to be absorbed back into the body. And as long as it takes me to run out of DVDs, books & groceries, which will force me to go back out in public again.)

OK, maybe just this once...

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